What's the Hardest Thing About Living Abroad?

When living abroad, there are many joys and challenges that we, as expats, experience.  I’ll save the joys for another time; there are a lot.  What is the hardest thing about living abroad?

I asked many of my expat friends here in China this question and I got a large variance of answers.

“You feel like an outsider, all the time."

This is true but it’s also to be expected depending on which country you’re living in.  For me, in China, there’s no doubt that I’m a constant outsider and I’m reminded of that every time I step outside the front door.  However, I don’t feel this is a bad thing.  I’ve been told that after a few years this gets old and I’ll be longing for a sense of community.  However, I feel I have a sense of community in my neighborhood and adopted city; I’m the foreigner here and I’m OK with that.  So, this is not much of a problem for me.

“Your previous life feels like a lifetime ago.”

This is true.  This could be because I’m getting older, but I do feel that time moves at a different pace here.  It doesn’t so much move faster or slower each day, but what was considered to be the recent past, or “just a few years ago” actually feels like another lifetime.  My previous life of being a hotel manager, a troop, a real estate professional, a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend….  It all feels like so distant.  I’m sure the differences of lifestyle and surroundings attribute to this odd feeling and I admit it is difficult to articulate.  Perhaps this should be another video in the future.

“You grow apart from friends and family.”

No matter what I do and what I tell myself, this is an inevitable fact.  If you’ve ever had a long-distance romantic relationship, you know the reality that eventually comes along with it.  My relationships with my friends and family suffers the same result.  Of course, I have all the modern conveniences with the internet to stay in touch the best I can, but without the ability to press the flesh, it’s just not the same.  Family will always be family and friendships will last a lifetime, but the bonds are not as strong as they used to be. 

Usually, wherever a person decides to hang their hat in the world, there will be a community of expatriates doing the same thing.  I have discovered these folks and they have become my new best friends and we share this experience together.  Still, we mostly come from different cultures and different pasts, even if we share the same passport. 

“Differences can be difficult to live with.”

Everyone knows about the term “culture shock”.  It’s real.  If you’ve never experienced it, it can really trip you out.  I believe that “reverse culture shock” is even more of a slap in the face but that’s another topic for another time.  Learning to live with lifestyle differences and adapting to them can be tough for the less adaptable crowd.  But, for the most part, these challenges add color to the adventure and with the right attitude I can learn to embrace them. 

“Vacation time.  Going home, or exploring a new place?"

Those who don’t live abroad might not understand this one.  “Why would you need to take a vacation away from your vacation?”, one might ask.  That’s just it.  Sometime I need some time away from my adventure to return home for a little R&R.  Those of us who have the time to do so, often have a dilemma to work out.  When do I visit home?  How long is a good amount of time to visit home?  How should I best utilize my time at home?  These are not always easy questions to answer.  Personally, I’m usually constrained by my American tax liabilities in that if I’m in the US for more than 30 days a year then I’m not eligible for the foreign income exclusion from the IRS. 

“You really start to miss the routine, places, food and people from home."

This issue is a cousin to growing apart from my friends and family.  My relationships with the places in my life have suffered, too.  The beaches that I used to surf.  The tacos I used to eat.  The roads I used to drive while listening to my favorite tunes.  My drinking buddies.  The bonds and connections I have with these places are far away.

“You don’t take part in life events”

This is the hardest thing about living abroad in my opinion.  It’s when there are life events that take place back home such as births, graduations, holiday time, and deaths and I’m not there to experience them with my friends and family.    These are memories that normal people would get to create and treasure for the rest of their lives.  But, as an expat, I am not a part of them and can only participate through Skype calls and Facebook posts.  It’s just not the same.  There’s a river of guilt that runs through my soul when I hear about these events and moments.  I often ask myself if this sacrifice is worth the lifestyle choice I’ve made.  Am I being selfish for making these choices? Am I missing out on the most important parts of life?  Or, am I creating my own world and celebrating a separation from conformity and normality?  I don’t have the answer to those questions.

Still, whatever challenges expatriates face while living and thriving in another part of the world, time doesn’t stop and the world keeps turning.  Like a relationship, sometimes hardships are things we need to flip the script on and embrace as part of our lives and the lifestyle we choose for ourselves.